The karmic wheel

Karma can really be a bitch, but then it can surprise you. This year felt as though we were always at the bottom of the karmic wheel, squished between it and the hard, rocky road, but just when it felt its most bleak, the wheel turned and we're coming back on top.

These past months have taught me a lot about what really matters most in life: love, family, friends and peace. The rest is all just "stuff". Facing a life-threatening situation in May, I discovered that even when things look their bleakest, there can be both more joy and more pain in store. The joy I had planned on, the pain I had not, and thus when it happened, it was doubly hard to bear.

A lesson was learned, though, that it is not the "stuff", but the love and the memories that really matter. Shortly after my recovery, our basement flooded and we lost quite a bit of "stuff". One thing that was hard to part with was the pair of ice skates my dear grandpa bought for me when I was much younger. As a kid, he took me skating every Saturday, and my North Star skates were among the finest you could buy at the time. I still remember driving to Casanova's and picking them out, shocked that Gramps would be so extravagant. Every time I wore them over the next 30+ years, I got that happy feeling once again. Yet there they were, soaked in sewage, unsalvageable on the basement floor. Yet I shed no tears, as the flood could not take the memories of those beautiful Saturdays on the ice from me. I will always remember the joy I felt wearing those skates and how proud I was to skate for my grandpa. No flood can take that. The love and the memories will always be with me.

As my continued underemployment has threatened our financial stability, this principle has become increasingly important to me. While we love our home, it is not the structure, or even the contents, that really matter, but the love and the memories of family and friends that count. We can live in a different place, drive different cars, get rid of "stuff" and we will still have what really counts: each other, our family, our friends and abundant love and blessings. The rest does not really matter in the grand scheme of things.

That said, it was not until the karmic wheel turned again and we started coming back to the top that I realized how hard these bad times have truly been on me. It was not until the weight came off my shoulders a bit that I realized that I had completely lost hope, and how sad and tragic that felt. Looking back, it is as if I saw the world through a fogged-up, rainy-day window; grey and wet and dripping, with no sunshine or color to brighten the day. Now as things change and improve, I see how truly and deeply sad I have been, and I thank God that this time is passing.

Perhaps I had to come through such a very bad time to really learn the most important lesson of all: my blessings are many, no matter how few I think I have.

Contentment

Interesting how contentment sneaks up on us, isn't it? It is a rainy Sunday here, my belly is full of McD's steak & cheese bagel (no egg, thank you!), I am on my second cup of coffee and I really enjoyed the message at church this morning.  I am 100% focused on all of the GOOD in my life, which so far surpasses the bad, which is where I intend to keep my mind all of the time this week.

Good:

1.  Wonderful loving husband who makes me so very happy

2.  Incredible kids, so smart and delightful (even when crabby!)

3.  Amazing family, who surround me with love

4.  The very best friends (you know who you are) that love me no matter what

5.  A roof over our heads and food in the pantry

6.  Many talents, both at work and at home, that allow me to accomplish so much

7.  A little money in the bank to help offset this period of unemployment

8.  Good health, my own and that of those I love

9.  Lovely critters, from dogs to cats to turtle, fish & hamster

10. A fabulous library full of books to keep me entertained

11. A great new hobby/business with Club Scrap--hopefully it will pay for my craft habit :-)

Bad:

1. Still no job, but heck, it has only been a week!

Thank you, God, for giving me so many wonderful blessings.  Help me keep them foremost in my mind and remember that it is through your grace that I receive them.  AMEN

What happens when your world explodes?

Wow. After 8 years, my company is letting me go. My job function has been eliminated, and I am no longer needed. And there is nowhere else for me to go and stay here in my home, or so it would appear. I got the news over two weeks ago, and will be unemployed in less than two weeks. But today, for the first time, the enormity of this is hitting me. For you see, it appears no one else wants me either.

I have lost jobs before, been stunned into silence and stillness and sadness, but this time is different. I was riding high, things were looking so good, and this layoff came from so far out of left field I am still somewhat breathless. It is as if someone is sitting on my chest today, even breathing is an effort. We knew there would be changes coming, but no one was supposed to lose their jobs. And yet many of us did.

So I am another casualty of the economy, yet another statistic, one more bites the dust. I hate this empty, purposeless feeling. Today is the first day I have really just felt down, felt sad, felt tired and worthless. Maybe today is the day I mourn for my lost job. I hope it passes quickly. This feeling is so unlike me that I simply cannot abide it.

Winter Cold

So exactly how are you supposed to handle a cold? Are you supposed to baby yourself, tucked up into a warm bed with lots of hot tea, a good book and Kleenex? Or should you "Memmel up"* and just keep slogging through your every day life as though nothing is wrong?

I have not had a knock down drag out cold in a while, but this one is obnoxious. I have felt lousy since last Monday, traveled with it Tuesday through Thursday, tried to ignore it Friday, attempted sleeping it off Saturday and Sunday, and though I am feeling quite a bit better today, it is still hanging around, causing my nose to run (oh, how attractive) and giving me a "courage, Camille" type hacking cough when I least expect it (or try to laugh!). I keep asking myself, "Should I just lay low for a bit and see if I can get rid of this?" But the fact that there is a lot that needs doing (the Christmas crap is STILL not all put away) keeps me jumping off the couch to do yet another chore.

As long as the Kleenex is nearby, I guess I can handle it.

* "Memmel up" refers to the US Olympic gymnast, Chelsea Memmel, who competed in Bejing on a broken ankle. Gotta give credit to the local gal!! She's from West Allis, WI, practically a neighbor!

What's in a car???

So I have to wonder, what is it about me that I love cars? Not doing stuff with them, not reading about them, but driving them, riding in them (though I am a better driver than a passenger). I like looking at them and frankly, driving my convertible in the summer with the top down and the stereo blasting is one of the simple joys in life. Not to mention a huge rush :-)

I have had the joy of driving fun cars for many years, first in 1996 with my red convertible, then in 2000 with my little yellow Focus, followed in 2003 by my yellow Mustang. Meanwhile, Dan has endured a series of practical cars, and not many of them. He acquired my parents' old Ford Country Squire wagon, then briefly their Grand Marquis (which I totaled on a deer) and most recently a Buick Roadmaster wagon. The Roadmaster was of his own choosing, and was a lovely and luxurious vehicle when we got it, but it has steadily become more and more decrepit and at 17 years old with 100K+ miles, it is less than a joy to drive.

Enter the Hummer. This big blue beauty now graces our driveway, hulking there like a giant bird of prey, ready to pounce off for a spin to the grocery store or the library. Overkill? Hell yeah! But I am so excited that my beloved gets the same silly grin on his face when he drives his car as I do driving mine. I want him to have that same rush that I get in the Mustang.

I confess, I get a HUGE rush driving the Hummer, too! Who'd have thought that zippy-sportscar-loving me would get off on driving a big beast of a truck? And with a manual transmission, no less!

I am so happy for Dan, and happy for me, and happy for us! Happy that there is a blue Hummer in the driveway and a for sale sign in the Roadmaster. All is well in our automotive world!

Oh thank god for my Frog

Everyone should have one person to whom they never have to explain, they never have to give the back story, that friend understands their life so well that no explanations are ever needed. After years apart, you catch up like it was yesterday. Such was my weekend with Frog, who came for some much needed girl time.

Frog has had a rough year, dealing with the death of her father, her husband's continued unemployment and trying to raise two boys to be smart and sweet and fun, while keeping their memories of their grandfather fresh. Sadly, her mother died before she even married and these little boys were born, so they have had no memories of Grandma W, and her husbands parents passed away a long time ago.

Watching Frog go through the agony of what to keep, what to give away, what to sell, what to do with all the awesome and amazing things in that house is teaching me a lot about the woman she is becoming. I never knew how strong we could be as women, as daughters, as mothers, as wives. She is pulling apart and dismanteling her childhood and trying to do it with grace and common sense, when each item tears at her heart, full of wonderful memories. As we watched chick flicks, ate chocolate and drank some good wine this weekend, I learned how gracefully she is dealing with this, trying to keep all the different people involved happy and included and how little support she has in dealing with this. And I wish I could somehow do more than just putting an arm around her shoulder and being here to ease the burden.

But for one weekend, the two of us were able to forget the burdens of being adults, forget the inhibitions of being afraid to sing out loud, and forgive each other for crying in pain and in love and just hold on to each other as old high school chums, piled on the bed together, thinking of the songs in the movie we saw the night before and how late we could loll around and not feel completely guilty for out lack of effort.

It was great to be a girl again for a few hours, it was great to be a girl with my Frog, and I intend in 2009 to demand more Fred & Frog time, because I sense we both need it. I know I do.

LYLAS, Frog!

Fred

Happy New Year!!

Now that 2009 is a couple of days old, I have had time to reflect on the past year and think about what I would like to accomplish this year. I noticed I had posted some New Year's Intentions for 2006, and while I did achieve some of them, I think they are a good place to stay for 2009 (so what if I take 3 years to accomplish what I set out to do--they are my intentions and my timeline!). So here's the list from 2006:

1. I intend to be more concerned about the people around me and how they are feeling and doing. I want to spend more time putting myself in their shoes to see their side of the situation.


2. I intend to be more focused on my husband and his well-being. I realize that I have a true gem in him, and I need to be better about telling him that.


3. I intend to take better care of my family. I want to be more family-centered and less self-centered.


4. I intend to take better care of myself. I have so many self-destructive habits, I hope to eliminate them.


5. I intend to grow spiritually, and embrace the Creator more closely.


6. I intend to use my creative streak more often and enjoy the process, not just the product.

So where did I make some progress? I think I did a lot towards being more concerned with others, with being focused on my husband, and taking better care of my family. I think spending time away from home in my travels helped me become more appreciative of what I have here at home, and made it easier for me to find the little things I can do to show my love for others.

I worked hard on my creative side, but think I still got caught up in the end product and failed to take the time to enjoy the process. That is definitely something to work on. I know I got sidetracked with the flooding that threatened to eat many of my craft supplies, but have not yet finished putting everything away and getting organized. I MUST do that! So I am going to add a couple of intentions to work on for 2009.

1. Get organized! Find places for things and things which have no place should go away! Work a little each day to keep the house, my spaces and my life organized and clutter-free. Get rid of more and buy less.


2. Eat right, and help Dan eat right too. Stop nagging and start nourishing. Weight loss? How about 2 pounds per week? Sounds pretty easy and comfortable, and I could have a new me by mid-summer!


3. Spend less. This kind of goes into the organization thing as well, as I want to be sure I plan better to spend less on things we need for the house. I have also come to realize that I have more craft supplies in the basement than the local Michael's, and I intend to not purchase ANYTHING for as long as possible. What if I reward myself with $1 every day I do not purchase something and fine myself $5 every time I do, plus the cost of what I bought? At the end of the year I could have enough for a new camera! Hmm, I like that idea. Then there is the whole budget thing, need to work with Dan on that. Maybe I should take over the finances? Not sure. I do know we need to work better together on them. Neither one of us thinks we spend a lot of money, but then in a month we spent about $900 at Pick N Save. Ridiculous for 3 people, though about $150 was Thanksgiving, so thus understandable.


4. Take a vacation. With Dan. Alone. Go somewhere that does not involve working. Even just for the weekend. Maybe as a reward for our weight loss? Liking that idea!

Okay, that is enough. Ten things to work on in 2009. And perhaps this time I can make more progress and not take 3 years to accomplish some of it!

Happy New Year!!!!