The karmic wheel

Karma can really be a bitch, but then it can surprise you. This year felt as though we were always at the bottom of the karmic wheel, squished between it and the hard, rocky road, but just when it felt its most bleak, the wheel turned and we're coming back on top.

These past months have taught me a lot about what really matters most in life: love, family, friends and peace. The rest is all just "stuff". Facing a life-threatening situation in May, I discovered that even when things look their bleakest, there can be both more joy and more pain in store. The joy I had planned on, the pain I had not, and thus when it happened, it was doubly hard to bear.

A lesson was learned, though, that it is not the "stuff", but the love and the memories that really matter. Shortly after my recovery, our basement flooded and we lost quite a bit of "stuff". One thing that was hard to part with was the pair of ice skates my dear grandpa bought for me when I was much younger. As a kid, he took me skating every Saturday, and my North Star skates were among the finest you could buy at the time. I still remember driving to Casanova's and picking them out, shocked that Gramps would be so extravagant. Every time I wore them over the next 30+ years, I got that happy feeling once again. Yet there they were, soaked in sewage, unsalvageable on the basement floor. Yet I shed no tears, as the flood could not take the memories of those beautiful Saturdays on the ice from me. I will always remember the joy I felt wearing those skates and how proud I was to skate for my grandpa. No flood can take that. The love and the memories will always be with me.

As my continued underemployment has threatened our financial stability, this principle has become increasingly important to me. While we love our home, it is not the structure, or even the contents, that really matter, but the love and the memories of family and friends that count. We can live in a different place, drive different cars, get rid of "stuff" and we will still have what really counts: each other, our family, our friends and abundant love and blessings. The rest does not really matter in the grand scheme of things.

That said, it was not until the karmic wheel turned again and we started coming back to the top that I realized how hard these bad times have truly been on me. It was not until the weight came off my shoulders a bit that I realized that I had completely lost hope, and how sad and tragic that felt. Looking back, it is as if I saw the world through a fogged-up, rainy-day window; grey and wet and dripping, with no sunshine or color to brighten the day. Now as things change and improve, I see how truly and deeply sad I have been, and I thank God that this time is passing.

Perhaps I had to come through such a very bad time to really learn the most important lesson of all: my blessings are many, no matter how few I think I have.

Contentment

Interesting how contentment sneaks up on us, isn't it? It is a rainy Sunday here, my belly is full of McD's steak & cheese bagel (no egg, thank you!), I am on my second cup of coffee and I really enjoyed the message at church this morning.  I am 100% focused on all of the GOOD in my life, which so far surpasses the bad, which is where I intend to keep my mind all of the time this week.

Good:

1.  Wonderful loving husband who makes me so very happy

2.  Incredible kids, so smart and delightful (even when crabby!)

3.  Amazing family, who surround me with love

4.  The very best friends (you know who you are) that love me no matter what

5.  A roof over our heads and food in the pantry

6.  Many talents, both at work and at home, that allow me to accomplish so much

7.  A little money in the bank to help offset this period of unemployment

8.  Good health, my own and that of those I love

9.  Lovely critters, from dogs to cats to turtle, fish & hamster

10. A fabulous library full of books to keep me entertained

11. A great new hobby/business with Club Scrap--hopefully it will pay for my craft habit :-)

Bad:

1. Still no job, but heck, it has only been a week!

Thank you, God, for giving me so many wonderful blessings.  Help me keep them foremost in my mind and remember that it is through your grace that I receive them.  AMEN

What happens when your world explodes?

Wow. After 8 years, my company is letting me go. My job function has been eliminated, and I am no longer needed. And there is nowhere else for me to go and stay here in my home, or so it would appear. I got the news over two weeks ago, and will be unemployed in less than two weeks. But today, for the first time, the enormity of this is hitting me. For you see, it appears no one else wants me either.

I have lost jobs before, been stunned into silence and stillness and sadness, but this time is different. I was riding high, things were looking so good, and this layoff came from so far out of left field I am still somewhat breathless. It is as if someone is sitting on my chest today, even breathing is an effort. We knew there would be changes coming, but no one was supposed to lose their jobs. And yet many of us did.

So I am another casualty of the economy, yet another statistic, one more bites the dust. I hate this empty, purposeless feeling. Today is the first day I have really just felt down, felt sad, felt tired and worthless. Maybe today is the day I mourn for my lost job. I hope it passes quickly. This feeling is so unlike me that I simply cannot abide it.

Winter Cold

So exactly how are you supposed to handle a cold? Are you supposed to baby yourself, tucked up into a warm bed with lots of hot tea, a good book and Kleenex? Or should you "Memmel up"* and just keep slogging through your every day life as though nothing is wrong?

I have not had a knock down drag out cold in a while, but this one is obnoxious. I have felt lousy since last Monday, traveled with it Tuesday through Thursday, tried to ignore it Friday, attempted sleeping it off Saturday and Sunday, and though I am feeling quite a bit better today, it is still hanging around, causing my nose to run (oh, how attractive) and giving me a "courage, Camille" type hacking cough when I least expect it (or try to laugh!). I keep asking myself, "Should I just lay low for a bit and see if I can get rid of this?" But the fact that there is a lot that needs doing (the Christmas crap is STILL not all put away) keeps me jumping off the couch to do yet another chore.

As long as the Kleenex is nearby, I guess I can handle it.

* "Memmel up" refers to the US Olympic gymnast, Chelsea Memmel, who competed in Bejing on a broken ankle. Gotta give credit to the local gal!! She's from West Allis, WI, practically a neighbor!

What's in a car???

So I have to wonder, what is it about me that I love cars? Not doing stuff with them, not reading about them, but driving them, riding in them (though I am a better driver than a passenger). I like looking at them and frankly, driving my convertible in the summer with the top down and the stereo blasting is one of the simple joys in life. Not to mention a huge rush :-)

I have had the joy of driving fun cars for many years, first in 1996 with my red convertible, then in 2000 with my little yellow Focus, followed in 2003 by my yellow Mustang. Meanwhile, Dan has endured a series of practical cars, and not many of them. He acquired my parents' old Ford Country Squire wagon, then briefly their Grand Marquis (which I totaled on a deer) and most recently a Buick Roadmaster wagon. The Roadmaster was of his own choosing, and was a lovely and luxurious vehicle when we got it, but it has steadily become more and more decrepit and at 17 years old with 100K+ miles, it is less than a joy to drive.

Enter the Hummer. This big blue beauty now graces our driveway, hulking there like a giant bird of prey, ready to pounce off for a spin to the grocery store or the library. Overkill? Hell yeah! But I am so excited that my beloved gets the same silly grin on his face when he drives his car as I do driving mine. I want him to have that same rush that I get in the Mustang.

I confess, I get a HUGE rush driving the Hummer, too! Who'd have thought that zippy-sportscar-loving me would get off on driving a big beast of a truck? And with a manual transmission, no less!

I am so happy for Dan, and happy for me, and happy for us! Happy that there is a blue Hummer in the driveway and a for sale sign in the Roadmaster. All is well in our automotive world!

Oh thank god for my Frog

Everyone should have one person to whom they never have to explain, they never have to give the back story, that friend understands their life so well that no explanations are ever needed. After years apart, you catch up like it was yesterday. Such was my weekend with Frog, who came for some much needed girl time.

Frog has had a rough year, dealing with the death of her father, her husband's continued unemployment and trying to raise two boys to be smart and sweet and fun, while keeping their memories of their grandfather fresh. Sadly, her mother died before she even married and these little boys were born, so they have had no memories of Grandma W, and her husbands parents passed away a long time ago.

Watching Frog go through the agony of what to keep, what to give away, what to sell, what to do with all the awesome and amazing things in that house is teaching me a lot about the woman she is becoming. I never knew how strong we could be as women, as daughters, as mothers, as wives. She is pulling apart and dismanteling her childhood and trying to do it with grace and common sense, when each item tears at her heart, full of wonderful memories. As we watched chick flicks, ate chocolate and drank some good wine this weekend, I learned how gracefully she is dealing with this, trying to keep all the different people involved happy and included and how little support she has in dealing with this. And I wish I could somehow do more than just putting an arm around her shoulder and being here to ease the burden.

But for one weekend, the two of us were able to forget the burdens of being adults, forget the inhibitions of being afraid to sing out loud, and forgive each other for crying in pain and in love and just hold on to each other as old high school chums, piled on the bed together, thinking of the songs in the movie we saw the night before and how late we could loll around and not feel completely guilty for out lack of effort.

It was great to be a girl again for a few hours, it was great to be a girl with my Frog, and I intend in 2009 to demand more Fred & Frog time, because I sense we both need it. I know I do.

LYLAS, Frog!

Fred

Happy New Year!!

Now that 2009 is a couple of days old, I have had time to reflect on the past year and think about what I would like to accomplish this year. I noticed I had posted some New Year's Intentions for 2006, and while I did achieve some of them, I think they are a good place to stay for 2009 (so what if I take 3 years to accomplish what I set out to do--they are my intentions and my timeline!). So here's the list from 2006:

1. I intend to be more concerned about the people around me and how they are feeling and doing. I want to spend more time putting myself in their shoes to see their side of the situation.


2. I intend to be more focused on my husband and his well-being. I realize that I have a true gem in him, and I need to be better about telling him that.


3. I intend to take better care of my family. I want to be more family-centered and less self-centered.


4. I intend to take better care of myself. I have so many self-destructive habits, I hope to eliminate them.


5. I intend to grow spiritually, and embrace the Creator more closely.


6. I intend to use my creative streak more often and enjoy the process, not just the product.

So where did I make some progress? I think I did a lot towards being more concerned with others, with being focused on my husband, and taking better care of my family. I think spending time away from home in my travels helped me become more appreciative of what I have here at home, and made it easier for me to find the little things I can do to show my love for others.

I worked hard on my creative side, but think I still got caught up in the end product and failed to take the time to enjoy the process. That is definitely something to work on. I know I got sidetracked with the flooding that threatened to eat many of my craft supplies, but have not yet finished putting everything away and getting organized. I MUST do that! So I am going to add a couple of intentions to work on for 2009.

1. Get organized! Find places for things and things which have no place should go away! Work a little each day to keep the house, my spaces and my life organized and clutter-free. Get rid of more and buy less.


2. Eat right, and help Dan eat right too. Stop nagging and start nourishing. Weight loss? How about 2 pounds per week? Sounds pretty easy and comfortable, and I could have a new me by mid-summer!


3. Spend less. This kind of goes into the organization thing as well, as I want to be sure I plan better to spend less on things we need for the house. I have also come to realize that I have more craft supplies in the basement than the local Michael's, and I intend to not purchase ANYTHING for as long as possible. What if I reward myself with $1 every day I do not purchase something and fine myself $5 every time I do, plus the cost of what I bought? At the end of the year I could have enough for a new camera! Hmm, I like that idea. Then there is the whole budget thing, need to work with Dan on that. Maybe I should take over the finances? Not sure. I do know we need to work better together on them. Neither one of us thinks we spend a lot of money, but then in a month we spent about $900 at Pick N Save. Ridiculous for 3 people, though about $150 was Thanksgiving, so thus understandable.


4. Take a vacation. With Dan. Alone. Go somewhere that does not involve working. Even just for the weekend. Maybe as a reward for our weight loss? Liking that idea!

Okay, that is enough. Ten things to work on in 2009. And perhaps this time I can make more progress and not take 3 years to accomplish some of it!

Happy New Year!!!!

Woo hoo, Christmas!

So Christmas is actually over, but I am sitting quietly in my living room, admiring the tree and reflecting on what fun it was this year. I got to spend time with most of my extended family, which was such treat. I made a lot of gifts by hand this year which was very fulfilling. I even made all the Christmas cards and sent them out before Christmas (well, there will be a couple of Happy New Year cards, I confess). I was better organized and less stressed, and more appreciative of the people around me.

It is a rather fitting reflection on my year as well. I spent time with family and friends, I spent more time creating things and less time stressing, I planned better and was better organized and got more done. I enjoyed my year a lot.

I hope you enjoyed yours as well.

Time Together, Time at Home

I have had a lot of time on the road lately. Three weeks in a row, I spent no more than 2 nights in my own bed. From Minnesota to Las Vegas to Seattle, I had a lot of fun, but I am always so glad to be home. Even when traveling with Jamie, home is still the best place to be.

No matter where I go, I cannot wait to come home after about 2 days. Well, maybe about a week if oceans or history are involved :-) They keep me distracted.

This picture is of Jamie and me at Mounds Park on the Mississippi River in St Paul, MN. Lovely spot overlooking the river, complete with ancient Indian mounds. We were lucky enough to see a parade from the Indian school nearby that day. History? Yes. Home? No.

I am home for several weeks now, home to spend time with my husband, home to cuddle my cat and pet my dog. Home to create fun things in my sCrap Cave.

HOME.

whomever for obama

So can I just ask this? I am on the Obama website, and I see "Women for Obama" stuff, and "Students for Obama". I have (not on this site) seen "Blacks for Obama" stuff too.

So where is the "Men for Obama" stuff? Or the "Whites for Obama"? Oh wait. The first is sexist, the second is racist.

Why??????

Could someone help me understand this? I seriously don't get it. Why is it okay to promote one group over another is being pro- or anti- whatever you're pushing?

PC has gone too far, in my humble opinion.

Water

This bridge near my house has become a dam.


I have a love/hate relationship with water. I love being on the water, sailing, canoeing, floating, snorkeling, but I really dislike being in the water. Swimming? I float well, due to high body fat, lol, but I'm not so crazy about getting my face wet. Wading? More my style. Showers? I hate getting my face wet, and to have it "sprinkled", oh, that is the worst!





This weekend has been the best of the worst, or the worst of the best, or maybe the worst of the worst. I had to drive home through the worst rainstorm ever (that will be another post) and have been watching as the incessant rain fills my basement with water and turns my local normally calm river and stream into raging torrents.





I started thinking about water, how we cannot live without it, yet too much will destroy us. I think this is a good metaphor fort just about everything. For everything we enjoy, we must have just so much of, lest it kill us. Food? Sustains and nourishes us, yet too much leads to obesity and death. Wine? Same thing, some is great, but too much will lead to our downfall. The river that we enjoy today may turn into the deluge that is our destruction. We must always be mindful of this, and keep balance in all things.

Thoughts on the beginning of summer

Wow. I just "rediscovered" this blog. And reread all my posts, which I must admit, I enjoyed. I really love to write, but so rarely take the time! I hope I can work on that.

Today was the first really hot muggy day of summer, complete with tornado warnings and rum and tonics on the patio. When you live in a generally cool state, you don't often really feel the need for air conditioning. Today was one of the days when it would be really awesome to have it! But we live in an 82 year old home with radiator heat, and having central air installed would be about as much as a new car. I have often said we could buy a lot of window units for that. Trouble is we never do it. And until days like today become the norm rather than the exception (usually about mid-July), the sheer effort of dragging the air conditioners out of their winter storage spots in basement and attic is just not worth it. Cool baths and cold drinks before bed are much simpler solutions.

How is it that we have become so conditioned to conditioned air? When I was a child, no one had air conditioning. On hot summer nights, you flung open the windows, strategically positioned fans, slept in the buff and sweated. The adults would sit out in the yard with cold drinks, the ice making soft chinking noises over the backdrop of the crickets as the talked softly outside my window. Even the glow of the streetlights seemed somehow hot, and heat lightning would occasionally flicker in the southern sky.

I would lay in my bed, my feet covered with a sheet, staring at the ceiling and I would just know I would never fall asleep. No, never, not in that heat. The sweat beads would trickle down my chest, and I would turn the pillow over and over, vainly seeking the cool side (is there anything better than a cool pillow on a hot night?). I would count the fireflies I could see flicking on and off in the bushes in the back yard. I'd wish I was in my blue plastic pool, the grass clippings littering the surface of the slighly dingy, tepid water. I would listen to my mother brushing her teeth in the bathroom next to my room, and call her for another drink of cool water. Lying there in the dark, I was SO HOT I was NEVER going to sleep, never, ever . . . . .

And then it would be morning, the sun already hot as it tried to muscle its way through my window shade. Another sunny day, just like the one before it, another link on a golden chain of endless joyous summer. A few decades later, my summer begins like this, with the heat and humidity telling me that I will never sleep, the sweat trickling down my chest, and the prospect of another summer day ahead.

I must admit, summer is my least favorite season, but today, even with the storms, even with the hair-curling humidity, even with the hot stuffy air, I am glad summer is finally here. But I do wish we had air conditioning!

Been awhile . . .

I guess my intentions were good, but the flesh was weak when it came to this blogging thing. Oh well. Summer is over, the crisp scent of fall fills the air, and the colors have taken on that golden glow that late September brings.

Every season is my favorite when it begins.

New Year, New You?

Why do we seem so obsessed with changing ourselves as the old year changes to the new? Watching television during a rare free moment last week I wondered what percentage of advertising dollars spent the week between Christmas and New Year's is spent advertising weight loss or fitness. It seems like 2 out of 3 ads is for one or the other.

Yes, I hope to lose some weight this year, and get into better shape. But if I don't, I don't intend to beat myself up.

I like that word, intend. Lots better than RESOLVE. I will not make any New Year's Resolutions, but here are my New Year's Intentions.

1. I intend to be more concerned about the people around me and how they are feeling and doing. I want to spend more time putting myself in their shoes to see their side of the situation.
2. I intend to be more focused on my husband and his well-being. I realize that I have a true gem in him, and I need to be better about telling him that.
3. I intend to take better care of my family. I want to be more family-centered and less self-centered.
4. I intend to take better care of myself. I have so many self-destructive habits, I hope to eliminate them.
5. I intend to grow spiritually, and embrace the Creator more closely.
6. I intend to use my creative streak more often and enjoy the process, not just the product.

I hope 2006 is a fun-filled learning year, one to remember.

What we do with lobsters

Hmmmm, what is this? Yes, you are seeing a lobster adorned with costume jewelry. Yes, a live lobster.

You see, for Christmas Eve, as long as I can remember, we have had fresh Maine lobster. And for some dark, twisted reason known to no one, we always play with the lobsters before cooking them. As a child, I staged lobster races on my grandparents' kitchen floor. The winner got boiled first. How gross is that??

My kids took this one step further. I am not sure when it began, but at some point in time, my eldest daughter began draping costumer jewelry on the lobsters rather than racing them. Decorating the lobsters became a high point of Christmas Eve. Odder still, neither she nor her brother would or will eat lobster. But their little sister, now the head lobster decorator, LOVES lobster. How barbaric to first adorn then boil and eat the critters.

Oh well, too bad for them they are so darn tasty. Not to mention fun to play with. I guess that makes up for their less than attractive appearance.

What I want to do now

I want to write more and eat less.

I want to have more fun and fewer drinks.

I want to stop biting my nails.

I want to create something somehow every day.

I want to have my cat's life. Food provided, frequent naps and lots of cuddling. God it rocks to be a cat.

Phew. Christmas.

I remember Christmas from childhood. The eagerness with I approached the whole holiday. It was so exciting when we began making presents for our parents in art class, and practicing songs for the school concert. December 5th rolled around and out came the stockings, ready to be filled by St. Nicholas that night. The next morning you greeted your friends with "What did St. Nick bring you?"

I later moved to an area where there was no St. Nick, so his importance in my life dwindled until I had children of my own. Now I see Christmas through new eyes, and frankly, several versions of them.

My grown up eyes see Christmas as a chore, an expense, a lot of work for a very short period of time. There is a house to be decorated, so many people to be shopped for, foods to be cooked. Naturally it is the busiest time of my work year, so that joyous feeling I expect to have in my heart is more of a Grinchy green color, not happy at all.

Then there are my mother eyes, that rejoice in just the right gift for the right person. I love handmade gifts the best, and am so proud that I have the ability to make things that people actually enjoy receiving. I love seeing the sparkle in the eyes of family and friends alike when they open that perfect gift they always wanted or maybe never knew they wanted but now adore.

Last, my child eyes come back as I see the ornaments on the tree and wonder with juvenile curiosity what is under the tree for me. I love finding lots of little treasures to unwrap--it's the surprise that gets me every time. I am more of a kid than I think.

The trick is to keep looking through all the eyes at once and do not let one take over. Usually my grown up Grinchy eyes take over early in the season as I feel the pressure at work and realize just how much personal work I have yet to do at home. I have to push them aside. But I have to watch the mother eyes, as they tend to spend too much time obsessing over perfection and spending way too much money. And the child eyes can be selfish, a trait I try so hard to push away.

I am glad the "big" holiday is over and wish we had a national vacation week between Christmas and New Year's, just to chill out mentally & physically and get back into our normal groove.

Someday I want a job that lets me take this week off and no one even cares. Not even me.